Top Weird Stories of 2000

The Explosion of U.S. Sperm Exports, A Topless Cow Shocks New York and Conversations With the Man who Wanted ‘Canine Cajones’

By Buck Wolf

Jan 2. 2001 — Before the last chocolate Santa melts, The Wolf Files looks back on the year that was. Here is some of the news you may have missed if you have not been reading this column as loyally as my dad. I give you now the top 10 Wolf Files for 2000.

1. Demand for U.S. Sperm on the Rise

You might think most countries wouldn’t have to look abroad for their sperm needs. But in the age of artificial insemination, sperm is becoming a hot international commodity. America is, by far, the world leader in this growing new business. Who says we can’t build anything anymore? Why is our semen best? The Wolf Files found out.

2. For Sale: Baby Names Even in America, that great bastion of free trade, you still can’t sell your babies. But now there’s help for parents who want to make a quick $5,000 off their child’s name. The Internet Underground Music Archive, an alternative music Web site, awarded cash prizes to the first 10 entrants who named their baby “IUMA.” Talk about selling out. Not surprisingly, new mommies and daddies stepped forward to collect the prize money.

3. Florida Sideshow Freaks Say Don’t Call This Election a Sideshow A lot of TV pundits called the election recount in Florida “a freak show.” Well, Gibsonton, Fla., happens to be the retirement home of bearded ladies, human blockheads and the once internationally renowned (now deceased) Lobster Boy. These carnies took particular offense at the election being called “a circus.” Melvin Burkhardt, a 93-year-old human blockhead who once made his living hammering six-inch spikes up his nose, said: “I wouldn’t honor those election officials by calling them blockheads. At least I made an honest living at what I did.”

4. The Man Who Wanted ‘Canine Cajones’

Jim Webb says he doesn’t care if he has become a national joke. The 42-year-old United Airlines employee from California became the toast of late night TV when he tried to get artificial dog testicle implanted in his scrotum.