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Many people become so flustered, they consult professionals — like the ones at InstantWeddingtoasts.com that charge $65 for customized speeches from professional toastmasters.

"We got the idea after watching a best man make a fool of himself," says Rick Peczonka, of Mesa, Ariz., who started the site last year with his wife.

"People will pay for a good toast and seek help writing it, because it's one of the most important things he'll ever do."

The Wolf Files asked some pros for over-the-top toasts for strange situations. These toasts should be used advisedly — or you might not be invited anywhere next year. Of course, that might be your ulterior motive. Toast-O-Matic Fun On a shotgun wedding: "To a couple who always believed in dessert before the meal. May your life be filled with joy and wonderful surprises." — Herman

On a young man's new body piercing: "Here's to a real stud — the one in your tongue." — Malcolm Kushner, Vintage Humor For Wine Lovers (Kushner & Associates)

On a breast augmentation: "May your B-cups runneth over." — Herman

On plastic surgery: "We're grateful for Aunt Alice's successful plastic surgery this year. We're sorry that she couldn't be here with us. Or maybe she is and nobody recognized her." — Gene Perret, author of Roasts and Toasts (Stearling Press)

On a fourth marriage: "May your optimism be outweighed only by the terms of your prenup." — Herman

On a messy divorce: "On this Thanksgiving, let's remember Zsa Zsa Gabor, who never hated a man enough to give him back his diamond." — Kushner

On a stock fraud investigation: "May whatever they discover be a boost to your career and not a bust to your rear." — Herman

On no-show relatives: "Before we give thanks let's remember those who are not here with us. Some have gone to their reward. Others just had tickets for the football game." — Perret

On dieting: "Here's to the turkey, here's to the pie, here's to the scales that make us all cry." — Herman