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And don't fret over separation anxiety: Golden Paw Webcams allow for round-the-clock communing with your furry friend. (Suggested Celebrity Endorsement: Zsa Zsa Gabor)

12. For the Hopelessly Immature: Kitchy Stocking Stuffers

If you must surf on the latest pop-culture wave, look for Popcorn Forks and snowman paint. Chocolate aphrodisiacs might not work, but you can never go wrong with chocolate. And if potty humor's your thing, you can help wipe out terrorism with Osama bin Laden toilet paper . But for true gross-out goodness, there's nothing like Slim Sphincter flatulent rendition of the Christmas classics, including an inspired version of "Silent (but Deadly) Night." (Suggested Celebrity Endorsement: Tom Green)

Bonus Gift: For the Perfectionist: A Do-It-Yourself Snowstorm

Why dream of a white Christmas, when you can virtually guarantee one with the $1,995 Backyard Blizzard. All you need is a garden hose and temperatures under 25 degrees Fahrenheit. Backyard Blizzard's compressor mixes water with air under pressure, then forces it up and out of a 10-inch snow gun. Upon contact with cold air, water droplets crystallize into a thick snowfall that blankets up to a 1,000-square-foot area with up to 3 inches of snow in less than three hours. (Suggested Celebrity Endorsement: Martha Stewart)

Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is published Thursdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.