By Buck Wolf

Feb. 4  Can you think of new ways to say "I Love You?" Better hurry, it's almost Valentine's Day.

There's poetry and flowers. But sometimes, all your lover really wants to hear is, "I won't forget to leave the toilet seat down."

"Gift-giving is about making a statement," says Amelia Ostroff, a professional shopper at Itsthethought.com in Seal Beach, Calif.

"If you and your lover have 1,000 inside jokes, that's a great place to start."

Here now, is The Wolf Files' annual list of Valentine's Day gift ideas. Some of these might get you banished to the sofa. Just remember, you were warned.

1. For Couples With Potty Issues: Toilet Landing Lights

End the lid up/lid down bathroom battle of the sexes once and for all with Johnny Lights, a $13 toilet night light that sends out a green warning beacon when the seat is up.

The Johnny Light is designed to protect ladies from that midnight splash-landing, while helping guys not to tinkle on the seat. "I like to think I'm doing my bit to preserve marriages," say Johnny Light inventor Bill Bradford. "Contrary to popular belief, 60 percent of our customers are men."

2. For an Interoffice Romance: UV Spy Pens

If presidential scandals have taught us anything, it's not to leave a paper trail. Entering into an interoffice romance is dangerous business. For those who want to keep their love notes secret, write with UV "spy pens" ($5) With the naked eye, the paper you write on will appear to be a blank sheet. But when your sweetheart turns on his or her ultraviolet "love lamp," ($25) your secret message will appear.

3. For Your Pearl: A Bed of Oysters

Before Viagra, there were oysters. RentMotherNature.com leases oyster beds in Washington state's Puget Sound for $99. Don't order this on an empty stomach. You'll have to settle for e-mail photos and progress reports for a few months. With patience, your bed will yield about four dozen oysters, Hopefully, when the package arrives, via air freight, you and your sweetie will still be going out.