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Irons spent years modeling before becoming a fashion writer, specializing in reading the labels of expensive and trendy beauty products and finding their key ingredients in cheap supermarket items.

Some of her findings: Pepto Bismol makes the ultimate cleansing mask, especially for ladies with sensitive skin. If you're looking for the ultimate makeup remover, try Crisco, just like a lot of beauty mavens. Irons claims that Crisco is so easy on the skin, some hospitals use it to treat psoriasis and eczema, disguising it as "Cream C."

Irons says she developed a passion to unravel these mysteries many years ago, when she visited a top beauty spa and found an unusually large cache of kitty litter — and no cats.

"I had to bribe an employee, but I should have realized that the clay in a $50 facial and a 99-cent bag of kitty litter is basically the same stuff," Irons says. "The biggest difference is the price."

Of course, newfangled cat litter brands have additives and deodorizers. You might want to investigate the matter a little more before you experiment with your face. The Scent of a Nacho Man

What could be more American than processed cheese? Joey Green has the answer — shaving with Cheez Whiz. "The oils in Cheez Whiz lubricate the skin and give you a remarkably smooth shave," he says. Of course, the Cheez Whiz comes with a built-in after-shave that's sure to impress any nacho-loving woman. And if you're looking for a complete change of pace, consider shaving with peanut butter, Cool Whip or Pam Cooking Spray.

In Green's Amazing Kitchen Cures, he documents how that salt-laden, nitrate-packed lunchmeat SPAM can be used as furniture polish, along with dozens of other weird, alternative uses for brand-name products. You can polish your furniture with pantyhose, clean your toilet with Tang, and fashion insect repellant using Bounce fabric-softener sheets.

"America has a love affair with consumer products. It's an endless fascination," says Green. "You may never use products in your closet in an unconventional way. But you may be trapped on a desert island or locked in your basement."