Gifts for Rich Bitches (Literally)

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The Bowlingual Translation Device: What would your dog say if he could speak? "Don't knock drinking from the toilet. You don't know what you're missing."

Time magazine named Bowlingual, from Takara manufacturing company, on its list of "The Coolest Inventions of 2002." It's a radio microphone that attaches to your dog's collar and supposedly translates his yelps, snarls and growls into phrases like "I'm lonely" and "How boring." The gizmo, developed with animal behaviorists, is already a big seller in Japan, where it retails for about $100.

Barks are matched up with a database of dog sounds and the device offers different interpretations for different breeds, because everyone knows how snooty French poodles get when their caviar bowl is empty. The Bowlingual's "Home Alone" mode records what your dog is thinking while you're at work, as if it's anything other than, "What fools these humans must be."

Marie Antoinette Doghouses: If you really want to lose your head in a fit of canine extravagance, you might need a Precious Palace, designed by New York City interior decorator Betsy Boggs. Inspired by Marie Antoinette's lavish kennels at Versailles, Boggs crafted these ultra-expensive doggie digs with the same fine linens and luxurious leathers that she'd use to decorate a swank penthouse. They range in price from $4,500 to more than $10,000.

While unpopular with commoners, Marie Antoinette was a famous pet lover and carried one of her beloved papillions as she was led to the guillotine in 1793. The dog was spared.

Designer Clothing: Talk about models on the cat walk: Just stroll along the fashionable shops in Bal Harbour, Fla., and you'll see what the privileged pets are wearing this year. The "Gucci Dog" is sporting a $250 black leather collar with the brand name featured in silver block letters.

Louis Vuitton knows what canine attitude is all about. The designer's $1,300 dog carrier comes with matching $170 leash and $160 collar, all with the LV monograms.

But if you're traveling in Chanel, so should your dog. The designer's $645 quilted pet carrier comes with silver and gold hardware and can be accessorized with a fetching $250 collar.

Electric Fur Dryers: Are messy tongue baths getting you down? The Bowser blow dryer offers a special low-noise, low-heat setting to dry your dog before she shakes out all over your carpet. There's a handheld version for $34.99 as well as a "stand-up" style, just like the beauty parlor.

Doggles: How can you improve on the simple pleasure of sticking your snout out a car window? Now dogs can enjoy the gush of air without objects getting in their eyes, thanks to Doggles.

You may think $20 dog goggles are totally frivolous, if not shady business. However, manufacturer Midknight Creations in California reminds us that the leading cause of sled-dog retirement is cataracts caused by UV exposure.

Cat-upuncture: If your pussycat has been needling you for a day of beastly beauty, send her to the Olde Towne Pet Resort in Fairfax, Va. This newly opened $7 million pet spa offers acupuncture, massage therapy and hydrotherapy at costs that can easily add up to more than $200.