Romantic Ways to Say 'You're Getting Fat'

Romantic Ways to Say ‘You Cant Cook’ and ‘You’re Getting Fat’

By Buck Wolf

Feb. 10  — As Valentine's Day approaches, so many men need a "Queer Eye" makeover, America may be facing a severe shortage of stylish gay men.

More and more, Valentine's Day has become Makeover Day — a time when we try to (lovingly) fix what really bugs us about the people with whom we share our lives.

Five years ago, giving a woman a plastic surgery gift certificate seemed like a surefire way to get hospitalized … or at least inducted into the Clod Hall of Fame.

Now, cosmetic surgeons throughout the country offer Valentine's Day gift certificates. The stigma is gone, at least in some circles, and under the right circumstances, it's an affirmation of sexual interest.

Now, Valentine's Day is when we play Pygmalion and try to turn our lovers into less sloppy, more interesting companions. And to do this, we need newfangled Valentine's Day gifts that say things a box of chocolate can't — unless, of course, they're low-carb chocolates.

Here, then, are some prickly, potentially poisonous Valentine's Day Gifts.

If Your Lover Can't Cook … You don't have to cook to be married. However, it may be grounds for divorce if you repeatedly set fire to the kitchen while trying to prepare microwave popcorn.

If an Easy-Bake Oven isn't easy enough for your lover, is offering a Valentine's special on the ultimate in idiot-proof kitchen appliances — a $179 microwave oven that scans the bar code on packaged food and cooks your meal automatically.

You not only don't need to know how to cook, you don't even need to know how to read. Just think of all the money you'll save on baby sitters and fire extinguishers.

If You're Feeling Crowded …

You don't want your boyfriend to move out. But what about his horrible stuffed parrot and that banjo-playing stuffed frog he bought on eBay?