Weird News: Useful Excuses for Labor Day

How to Justify Not Doing Anything (Especially Work) on Labor Day

By Buck Wolf

Aug. 27, 2002 --   Here's some advice for Labor Day: If your spouse says, "Let's clean out the garage, it'll be a good workout," respectfully tell your beloved to take a hike.

Far be it from me to instigate domestic quarrels. I'm just quoting medical research. There's no evidence that housework improves health, according to a study of 2,300 elderly women at England's University of Bristol.

Dr. Shah Ebrahim, an expert on aging, concludes that a brisk walk is a much better health option than mopping floors, dusting or cleaning windows.

"When we look at things that we think would go along with being physically active and fit, like pulse rate and obesity levels, they don't show any relationship with housework," he reported in a recent issue of the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

Now, we're all aware that we live in the age of surveys and studies. You could probably dig up 10 other reports that would suggest that Dr. Ebrahim should be piloting a Weed Whacker.

But why bother? It's Labor Day, the last hurrah of summer. Soon, the screen door will slam on the summer of 2002 and we'll have to get on with the hectic, bare-branch realities of our fall schedules.

That's why, Labor Day is more important than ever. It's that last opportunity to get a day off. That's why The Wolf Files is providing useful excuses to help you avoid household chores, business obligations, diets, — anything more strenuous than slathering yourself with suntan lotion and sinking into a good book.

You'll have time to improve your life next week. Now, it's time to roast that last weenie and get in touch with your inner slacker. Indulge yourself. If anyone wants you to do anything that even resembles work, here's some help.

Useful Excuses for Adults

Excuse to work less: If your father tells you it wouldn't kill you to work a little harder, point him to this:

A study by Guys and St. Thomas' hospitals in London investigated the lifestyles of 700 men. The ones who had suffered heart attacks had spent more time at work. Those laboring 60 or more hours had twice the risk of men toiling fewer than 40 hours.

Excuse not to marry: Just pick up the March issue of Cosmopolitan. According to a poll in the magazine, there's a lot of extramarital nookie going on. A whopping 59 percent of ladies admit they cheat, and so do 55 percent of so-called gents.