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4. To Make a Statement: Monogrammed Underwear

Not ready to tattoo your lover's name across your butt? You can embroider declarations of love on each other's underwear. For $36, you can choose boxers or briefs.

5. For a Princess: A Tiara

When you buy your girlfriend a tiara, you're sending a message: "I don't have the guts to give you an engagement ring." Still, what woman doesn't want a sparkly rhinestone Miss America crown? Just don't blow it with a cheap, novelty store tiara. M & J Trimming — the folks who gave Sex and the City's Sarah Jessica Parker her flower look — make the real deal, ranging in price from $30 to $70.

6. For a Breathtaking Lover: A Portable Oxygen Bar

Chocolates make you fat. Cut flowers aren't exactly the most ecologically sensitive gift. But everybody needs oxygen. Designer "oxygen bars" are pretty trendy and a surefire way to give your valentine some breathing room. Of course, with portable oxygen bars starting at $3,200, you quickly learn that air isn't free.

7. For An Ex-lover: Dead Fish

When it comes to ex-lovers, sometimes words aren't enough. Sometimes you can only express yourself by mailing that louse a stinking bucket of rotting fish guts. At $14.95, it's cheaper than roses. Senddeadfish.com will also deliver crushed flowers and dog poop to your no-longer-significant other.

8. For Culinary Adventurers: Luwak Poop Coffee

Like a good lover, a good cup of coffee is hard to find. Now you can have Kopi Luwak, the rarest, most expensive cup of coffee — if you can bear to hear how it's cultivated.

In the coffee plantations in Indonesia, the luwak, a catlike animal, eats only the ripest coffee berries. Natives follow this critter around, picking the beans from its feces . Their "harvest" sells to coffee connoisseurs for $75 a quarter-pound, or $5 a cup. That's a bit more than Starbucks, but Nate Root of Raven's Brew says it has a "chocolaty, earthy" quality "that rich folks in Japan and Britain just love."